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Qui-Gon and the Force

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[Jun. 25th, 2005|12:02 pm]
Qui-Gon and the Force


You know what my secret and perverted and nonsensical kink is? A somehow not-old Obi-Wan and Han Solo. Like, meeting Han in a sleazy bar and having sleazy wonderful bar sex. If one day that were possible, in some galaxy far far away, I think I'd die of joy aneurysms.

No one will ever love you.
At least I have you.
I'm replacing you with this child I found.

I totally love you, Master.
No. I'm batshit insane.

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't love you.
Totally expecting that one.
But I will give you a hug.
;___; you're the best person I've ever met. Jedi suck.

And Now For Something Distressingly Non Sequitur
Or: Sometimes, These Conversations Just Don't Make Sense

Qui-Gon. He's a bastard.
Or, at least, HAS NO HUMAN COMPASSION. Or any other human emotion.
They're all alien emotions. That make sense only to him.

I guess Qui-Gon could be blamed on Dooku. I doubt he's the most emotionally sensitive guy. He's aristocratic. He's perceptive. But, I don't think he hugs people. Ever. Maybe Qui-Gon just wanted a hug.

::no human emotions:: :|
As you can see, I've patched my alien emotions together from other species I have met.

With a name like Dooku.
You are going to take things out on the small, young and emotionally vulnerable.
THUS setting off a chain reaction.
Which ends up in Anakin killing all the Jedi!

I blame Yoda.

Since Yoda let Dooku grow up like this. Obviously.


What the fuck?


I am troubled. All the other padawans tease me.
Because your name sounds like doodoo, this is.
Yeah, about that. I was thinking.
Not now. Writing porn.

So, uhm, Yoda really sucks and doesn't let me read his porn.
If you join the dark side, you get to read the porn.
Will I get to change my name?
Hellz yeah.

*a fan of Ewri*
So I have this new idea for Jedi outfits.
Will it get me hugs?
Assraped, it may get you.
... will there be hugs?
On who is doing the assraping, it depends.

I don't know, I like it. I never saw you as a sailor, though.
Yoda said I might get hugs.
I always saw you as more of a farmer.

It looks good on you.
Here's a question.
Do you think I'd make a good farmer?
.... this is a trick question. Innit.

SOMETIMES, we actually work on sw_divergence.

We may want to be clear with ourselves whether Obi-Wan really thinks he wouldn't kill Anakin, or if he thinks he wouldn't kill him in anger (which is different, just for a Jedi).

I mean, in the [Matthew Stover movie novelization] he's like "Well, I'd let millions of people die to save Anakin, Yoda. Probably. Sorry." but, that's earlier and a bit different than, in the end, figuring out he's so insane he needs to kill him.

Anakin . . . Planet . . . Anakin . . . Planet . . . -- yeah, that'd be Anakin.
Anything at all did Qui-Gon teach you?
That nobody will ever love me, and that I'm less valuable than a psychopath.
. . . words with Qui-Gon, I will have.
. . . Nothing.

Secretly Later:

Stop with the chillaxin', dude, you must. On this, you really have to get.
I'm not the one writing porn with Sidious.
Let's figure out a way to get Han Solo together with Obi-Wan. Like, stat.

From: (Anonymous)
2005-06-25 06:02 pm (UTC)
Han and Obi Wan would be so cool! The barbs and snark!
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From: _zox_
2005-06-25 06:05 pm (UTC)
... will there be hugs?
On who is doing the assraping, it depends.

And Han/Obi-Wan...oh the images in my head! There must be a fic like that somewhere!
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[User Picture]From: ladyjaida
2005-06-28 10:47 pm (UTC)
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From: _zox_
2005-06-29 12:49 pm (UTC)
OMG the icon love!!
OMG the fic!!!

The closest I found to Han/Obi-Wan was when I did a search for it on Yahoo and found this instead: Han or Obi-Wan: Who's The Bigger Babe?
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[User Picture]From: liminalliz
2005-06-25 06:09 pm (UTC)
OMG these are so GREAT! *ded of laugh*
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[User Picture]From: airika
2005-06-25 06:24 pm (UTC)
I don't know who you people are but you make me giggle. Thumbs up!
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[User Picture]From: th_esaurus
2005-06-25 06:35 pm (UTC)
*is giggling aloud*

Anything at all did Qui-Gon teach you?

That nobody will ever love me, and that I'm less valuable than a psychopath.

So much love.
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[User Picture]From: th_esaurus
2005-06-25 06:37 pm (UTC)
Is it alright if I make icons from this? I will credit you guys of course, but it's just too funny not to iconise.
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[User Picture]From: calicokat
2005-06-25 06:43 pm (UTC)
I am completely encouraging of you making icons of anything! So, yes. Please feel free! I am utterly flattered. <3
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[User Picture]From: calicokat
2005-06-26 04:11 pm (UTC)
You didn't happen to save all the little blob people, did you? Snoo.org seems to be down and I don't have them on my hard drive to transfer everything over to another server. :(
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[User Picture]From: th_esaurus
2005-06-26 04:47 pm (UTC)
Sure I did. If you give me an email address or catch me on AIM (rainyrd), then I'll send them all to you!
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[User Picture]From: calicokat
2005-06-26 05:48 pm (UTC)
Just so everyone knows, th_esaurus + Microsoft Word's Replace function = wins everything. Hooray!
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From: marciamarcia
2005-06-29 07:01 pm (UTC)
May I please borrow your drunken tenspeed icon?
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[User Picture]From: calicokat
2005-06-29 07:16 pm (UTC)
Hmm, well, this is a slight problem, as it is not really mine. I tried finding out where I got it from and failed. So, I am using it, because it was saved to my harddrive almost two months ago. But... Well, I guess, use your own judgement. I don't know where it's from, if it's actually free use, or anything. :(
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[User Picture]From: lavished
2005-08-10 04:25 am (UTC)

duncatra made it. The site is: Dunc's Icons. I notice their icons don't get credited a lot, so I'm always ready to to tell anyone where they're from. :D
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[User Picture]From: elaineofshalott
2005-06-25 07:59 pm (UTC)
And now I have a headache from laughing.

Ahaha, OW.
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[User Picture]From: megu
2005-06-25 08:31 pm (UTC)
AHAHA "Assraped, it may get you." XD
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[User Picture]From: elrondio
2005-06-25 10:09 pm (UTC)
I always saw you as more of a farmer.

Yeah, so I've been laughing for the past ten minutes. Looooooove <3
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[User Picture]From: randomalia
2005-06-25 11:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, I can't see the pictures. Woe. :( But I love the commentary :D

In the books, Dooku *is* cold with Qui-Gon. He treats him pretty badly, like an accessory to prestige. Which is sad because Qui-Gon does care deeply about people...and now he has Impenetrable!Reserve. Legacy of the Jedi by Jude Watson is a great read on those issues :) *is nerd*

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[User Picture]From: calicokat
2005-06-25 11:57 pm (UTC)
Unfortunately snoo.org is under Jaida's control so I can't get things back up, but hopefully it will either come back online or she'll be back in the country to reactivate it, soon!
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[User Picture]From: tylergrrls
2005-06-26 01:58 am (UTC)
Do you need another place to upload them, yo?

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[User Picture]From: calicokat
2005-06-26 02:30 pm (UTC)
I'd take you up on that if I had hard copies on my harddrive. Unfortunately, I don't. :( (Jaida has them on hers, though, but still with the out of the country!)
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[User Picture]From: ladyjaida
2005-06-28 10:48 pm (UTC)
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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: calicokat
2005-06-26 09:51 pm (UTC)
And he has compassion, he just cannot apply it successfully to everyday life.

XD;; When I'm not arsing around, I agree with this. I really do love Qui-Gon. I couldn't make so much fun of him if I did not, in fact, adore him. If only Lucas Books would hire me to write a series about him and Dooku running around the galaxy getting into stuff... Woe. Qui-Gon is a good guy.... but he still really is not, however, a person to give an impressionable 13 year old child. >_>;;
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[User Picture]From: not_vacillating
2005-06-27 07:38 am (UTC)
but he still really is not, however, a person to give an impressionable 13 year old child.

What I find really ironic is that he seems to (subconciously) *know* this, to be trying to avoid taking Obi as his padawan because he knows that something went wrong with Xanatos, but by trying to avoid making the mistakes again, he just makes different mistakes.

At some point, though, someone must have given Qui-Gon a few pointers-- (Yoda: "Give him hugs you must, or assraping he will seek") because Obi-Wan does seem to have learned enough about love to bond strongly with Anakin-- but perhaps that's the problem; they bonded *too* well, and Anakin never learnt to let go of attatchment, hence turning to the Dark Side in a bid to save Padme.

There's got to be a happy medium somewhere. But perhaps that's what the Force wants to create: balance, by having Luke grow up in a slightly more normal family context than the Jedi Temple.
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[User Picture]From: calicokat
2005-06-27 06:18 pm (UTC)
Hmmm... This could come dangerously close to digressing into serious Obi-Wan and Anakin meta! But... I think, while on one hand, it's true that Anakin and Obi-Wan love each other and have a strong bond, on the other hand they never developed a successful Master/Padawan bond. At the beginning of movie two they spend about forty-five minutes bickering and attacking each other's self esteem vying over who's in control of the relationship. (Also, notice how uncomfortable everyone and Padme is while Anakin and Obi-Wan get into it in front of them. Anakin commits a huge Jedi faux pas by questioning Obi-Wan in front of others, but Obi-Wan returns with one as bad by disciplining him in public ("And you will learn your place, young one.") Everyone else is like "...uh, wow, we really do not know what to do in this situation." because really what they're doing is comitting horrible social taboos in front of a crowd.)

Jaida put it pretty well in one of these logs, when we were discussing Anakin's manipulative choice of the phrase "Don't say that, Master. You're the closest thing I have to a father." when his behavior doesn't really reflect this in private: "Well, and clearly, Obi-Wan doesn't consider himself a father figure either. You were my brother and all. Not entirely sure that's how it's supposed to be with Master and Padawan, Obi-Wan, but thanks for the honesty."

I was having a conversation with _riz the other day where she worded a further elaboration on this subject very well: "For all of Anakin's arrogance/confidence/sense of entitlement/etc., deep down he really still just wants someone to tell him what to do. So he and Obi-Wan are doomed because he wants Obi-Wan to be that effective dominant figure, while Obi-Wan really hates the situation and has always seen Anakin as a peer, and as competition. So the way Obi-Wan treats him... from Anakin's perspective, it's like the asshole father whose kid can't do anything right. But from Obi-Wan's perspective, that's how brothers act. They give each other grief, they bitch, they mock, and so on. So...yeah. Good source of bitterness there. And also makes sense that Obi-Wan gets less grumpy as they get older, because he feels more relieved of the duty of being an authority figure to Anakin."

Well, that is about where the meta discussion on my front has come to rest at, now. But, yeah, I couldn't confidently say they have any sort of particularly healthy bond, however strong it is or endeared they are to each other.
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From: encaitarince
2005-06-28 12:19 am (UTC)
Well put. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Obi-Wan and Anakin bonded too well in the wrong areas and not well enough in the right ones. It sort of reminds me of the coach/player senario. Teams who had coaches who befriended players didn't seem to do as well as teams with "strict" coaches. ("Remember the Titans" is a good example of this.)

So while it's not a bad thing for Master and Padawan to be friends or even have a father/son relationship, perhaps it wasn't a good idea for Obi-Wan and Anakin to be THAT good of friends. "Brothers" if you will.

Yay for meta!

P.S. -- This is the greatest Star Wars thing I've seen in a long while. *cuddles poor Obi-Wan*
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[User Picture]From: not_vacillating
2005-06-28 08:35 am (UTC)
It's true that Obi-Wan and Anakin never seem to have bonded in a healthy manner for the sort of partnership they were supposed to have-- you're right to say that they have different concepts of what their relationship should be. I was more concerned with the fact that they had bonded.

I suspect that the unusual circumstances in which Anakin become Obi-Wan's padawan have a lot to do with it, and so it's hard to argue back from that to what I think may have been the original point, about Qui-Gon's bond with Obi-Wan.

Furthermore, it occurred to me last night that most people's emotional development is, if not set in concrete, at least quite affected by what happens to them before they're thirteen-- and that part of Obi-Wan's life (as far as we know) Qui-Gon had no part in. Being removed from your family at-- what? two? three? We know nine is considered much too old-- at a very young age, and taken to what must in effect be a large religious boarding school, must have quite an effect on that. We see little of the younglings (in the JA books, a little at the start of book 1; in the movies, a class with Yoda in ATOC, the rather nasty bit in ROTS... have I missed any?) but what we see doesn't lead us to believe that they're hugged often. So-- just as Anakin is affected by his nine years as a slave, so we'd expect Obi-Wan to be affected by thirteen years in the Temple.

Do you know, I now have no idea where I thought that point was going. Things sound different when you type them out in the morning.

One last thing: it seems to me that while Anakin might be willing to accept Obi-Wan as his Master (he's not very good at the formal acceptance, but he kind of tries to manipulate him into it; I read the scene from the start of AOTC as being a certain amount Anakin's adolescent boundary-pushing, trying to get Obi-Wan to react, to pay attention to him, as many early teens do with their parents), Obi-Wan sees Anakin as primarily Qui-Gon's padawan, and only his own by default. I think we shouldn't underestimate how much that public rejection, and then Qui-Gon's death, hurt Obi-Wan. He was manipulated by circumstances-- and by Qui-Gon-- and he's forced to take on the role of teacher when he's still really a pupil. Which would also help to explain some of the mistakes he makes with Anakin.

Hum. I went from defending Qui-Gon to calling him manipulative. Perhaps he's more like Anakin than I'd thought. That does at least help to show where ANH!Obi-Wan, who so skillfully manipulates Luke into helping him, learned to do that.
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From: marciamarcia
2005-06-28 10:41 pm (UTC)
by having Luke grow up in a slightly more normal family context than the Jedi Temple.

Annnd....the Jedi officially beat out the Conners for the role of "Everybody's Favorite Dysfunctional Family."
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[User Picture]From: neotoma
2005-06-27 09:40 am (UTC)
As you can see, I've patched my alien emotions together from other species I have met.

Seriously, sometimes I think ALL Jedi have done this, as they are quite wierd.

And BlueGhostQui-Gon! heeee!
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From: refche
2005-07-02 11:31 pm (UTC)
Dude. Is Yoda... one of those toys that you pull a string out of their ass and they talk? Or is that the cane?
And the love! *pets Obi-Wan* I bet Han gives good head...
Quite glad I found this insanity! *rereads and giggles loudly*
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[User Picture]From: cruelest_month
2005-07-03 09:42 pm (UTC)
Hee. That's amazing.

I accidently tried joining but I meant just to add it to my flist so sorry about that. ^^;;
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[User Picture]From: elistaire
2005-07-04 01:43 pm (UTC)
I was just pointed in this direction and I *love* this. I am smiling like crazy now. *g*
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[User Picture]From: usomitai
2005-07-07 05:12 am (UTC)
Because your name sounds like doodoo, this is.

Not now. Writing porn.

What the fuck is WRONG with you people?! XXXD
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[User Picture]From: tya_rc
2005-07-09 12:33 pm (UTC)
I so loooove it! Qui is an ass, poor Obi!
Thanks for making this!
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[User Picture]From: darth
2005-07-24 01:51 am (UTC)
Ahaha. I love it. XD;

...you should do some Qui-Gon & Xanatos interaction. :D?
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[User Picture]From: vesiel
2005-07-31 04:03 am (UTC)
LMFAO. Random!poster demands more for win!
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[User Picture]From: fadagaski
2005-08-05 06:33 pm (UTC)
Gotta be said: ICON ♥
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From: kiarasoares
2005-08-05 06:25 pm (UTC)
Imao!That´s all so funny!!!!!!Loved it!
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[User Picture]From: nirix5
2005-08-06 09:46 pm (UTC)
This is great. Seriously great. You're my new favorite people. *happy dances*
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[User Picture]From: frenzied
2005-08-20 07:20 pm (UTC)
I just read them all, i found a link from a batch of icons.

*dies of the funny*

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From: mereywn
2005-08-21 02:17 am (UTC)
I love this. Are anymore coming?
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[User Picture]From: zzb
2005-11-08 06:01 pm (UTC)
Oh no! The pictures are no longer visible!
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[User Picture]From: lavished
2006-04-17 12:15 am (UTC)
*sob* The images, they don't work! When are you guys coming back? I love this!
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[User Picture]From: brandy_kou
2006-08-30 08:32 pm (UTC)
*wanders in randomly*

ZOMG! The pictures are back! Yay! *dances* Does this mean that there may be more? :DDD
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[User Picture]From: acts_of_tekla
2013-03-03 06:10 am (UTC)
I know it's been years and years, but I just wanted to let you guys know how much I love these humor-meta-sketch-script-things. They're funny as hell, but also actually an awesome summary of the relationships among the characters. I have a friend who didn't believe that Obi-Wan would ever turn to the Dark Side, so I showed her this com. She then agreed that my Dark!Obi-Wan AU was totally plausible. I still recommend them to PT fans, and reread them myself every so often.

I hope you're still having fun writing and being creative.
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